Brother, Where for Art Thou?
by yuki kahara
Summary: tag to 6.20, Man Who Would Be King. Castiel reflects on Dean's accusation of being called Brother.


Just something I thought of immediately following the most recent episode.

Warning: spoilies for 6.20, The Man Who Would Be King… and probably the ones leading up to it.

Disclaimer: if I owned the show, this scene would already be in the eposiode, and Cas would have been allowed to explain himself.

Enjoy, and review!

Kahara-Tiasho

* * *

><p>Brother.<p>

The word has long lost its value to me.

That is why I am so surprised to hear such a phrase exit his mouth.

Brother.

…Me?

My next words are not only caught on the "tip of my tongue" but also fled my mind completely. So has that tired, irritated, betrayed feeling that accompanied it. I am left blank-minded as I watch him continue, seemingly unaware to my reaction.

Brother?

_Brother._

The anger is back.

I know the implications of the word, and I am not please to be described in such a way.

'Trust me,' he says.

'I'll stop you,' he says.

Stop me? _Him?_

I practically laugh at the notion.

What can a man do against an angel?

There is a hint of a smile on my face as I tell him this.

The frustrated determination in his eyes is gone. All that is left is defeated realization that I am correct. If it came right down to it, we both know I would win.

In that moment, though, I feel no victory. To see such helpless hopelessness from him trudges up painful memories.

My barely there grin dissipates and I feel that burning anger melt into regret.

He does not deserve this. He has done nothing wrong. He believed in me, trusted me, when no one else did, when he had no reason to. I return his loyalty with betrayal.

Guilt quickly befriends regret as I realize he is holding back tears.

'I am sorry,' I tell him.

He looks down and to the side, and I take the opportunity to Disappear.

I hear him whisper an apology back, and it is hard to miss the determination and sadness I see in his eyes as he looks up and around to notice I am no longer there.

* * *

><p>Brother.<p>

I pace to and fro in the little park I flew to, contemplating that word.

The guilt and regret is still swimming with anger in my head, and it only makes me more frustrated. I do not understand why it bothers me so to be called that by him.

Brother.

The term has brought nothing but anguish and despair to me since being stationed on Earth to watch over him. I have fought to deter meaning from such a concept, and in turn have examined brothers, including my own, and I have not liked what I have seen.

I have been threatened, betrayed, belittled, beaten bloody, abandoned, ignored, _killed_ by my brothers.

I trusted, loved them more than anything, and yet my existence means nothing to them. It probably never has.

I find humans to be similar. I am not blind to how the Winchesters behave. _Brothers_ they call themselves, but all I see is hurt.

I see Sam turn his back, yell, hit, walk away. I see Adam fight, insult, deny, run.

Brother.

The word holds no meaning nor value to anyone.

I freeze in my agitated pacing as something in those last thoughts catches my attention.

Adam.

He had been against the idea of the boy since he first heard mention of him. He resisted the scenario that his father would love another woman so much as for her to bear his child.

Furious that the man would hide a second brother from him.

Upset that he couldn't protect the boy.

He was glad when Adam was brought back, worried when he was wisked away, terrified when he found out the truth.

He had taken Adam's hatred with practiced grace, then walked into a well known trap to save him.

When Adam finally broke and cried for his big brother, he came with no hesitation.

When Sam suggested saying Yes to Lucifer, he was angry, but stayed by his side.

To him, Brother was not merely a word, but a promise.

_I'm here. I got you. I won't leave. Everything will be okay._

To us, Brother meant almost nothing. To him, it meant everything.

He faced Zachariah for Adam. He faced Lucifer for Sam. Deep down, I know if I asked it of him, and he had the means, he would face Raphael for me. Hell, he already has faced Raphael for me. He was even distraught to hear I most likely wouldn't survive the confrontation.

He would do anything for his family, for his brothers.

...And he includes me on that list.

He would do whatever it took to protect us, even from ourselves. Save us, even when we don't think we need saving.

_He thinks I need saving._

I drop unceremoniously onto the stone bench I had been pacing in front of, my head resting in my hands, the anger out of me.

For the second time in my existence, and because of the same man, I find myself Doubting my actions.

Out of nowhere, I am remembering our -my- confession from the last time we were both at a park bench.

Just like then, I am starting to wonder if I know the difference between Right and Wrong. If my actions are Correct or Corrupt. I'm still not sure if he passed or failed that test.

Is the future of a town more valuable than the future of the world? Is a brother's safety more important than the universe's safety?

He seems to think so.

And he's pretty good at telling Right from Wrong.

I lift my eyes skywards in nervous prayer.

I explain myself to Father. I pray for help, for guidance, a sign, anything to regain my certainty in my actions.

But most of all, I pray Dean Winchester doesn't give up on me. I pray he finds a way for a man to stop an angel, because I think I'm falling, and I want my brother to catch me.


End file.
